OH HI

From: mikesveryFAT
Subject: JUST FUCKING READ THIS OK?


HI,

Im frezned and ive mad 100 + videos and i think im pretty hard cause ive got alot of subscribers ….. and maybe youtubeian friends but i have no real life ones…

— RIPPED
— FAGGOT
— NERD
— GET LIFE PLZ

You have hurt my soul with your words! I am so sad now :*(

As soon as I finish this reply I’m going to go and find a bucket because I am crying so hard my room is filling up with tears!!

Oh Mike. Why did you send such a nasty email to me? Why would you do that. It hurts so much when people tell me I don’t have any friends, because it makes me really know how lonely I am inside! I wish I did have friends.

Do you tell a retarded man (or woman) that he is retarded! Do you poke him with (or her) a stick hmmmmmm???! WHY?!
THEY kNOW THEY (or she) ARE RETARDED

Maybe one day I will know how to leave my bedroom instead of spending all of my time working on a video that only makes dumb people laugh (clever people don’t find humour in my videos! they are too smart)

And how did you know I was secretly gay
my whole life I have pretended to like girls
even though it’s pointless because I never meet any anyway right!!

mike why am I so lonely
mike

mike

will you be my friend

love from Tom (frezned)

WOOOOOOO

YEAHH
WOO

ALRIGHT

YEEEAAAAHHHH
WOO

NUMBER 2 BITCH

NUMBER TWOOOO

2am. Thick, black muck drips from the corners where the wall meets the ceiling. Stains spread from where they touch the carpet, slowly creeping towards my feet.

My chair sinks into the ground inch by inch. If I wasn’t concentrating I wouldn’t even notice.

Slowly the ground consumes my feet, then my legs. I don’t bother resisting.

I watch a spider make its way across the desk. It’s having difficulty, its legs sticking more to the melting wood with each step.

As the ground closes up over my head, my eyes are still fixed on the clock. Where are you?

Machinegun fire from the street below, and I drop, surrounded by broken glass.

Michael is still crying. I stand to comfort him but cannot support my own weight, riddled with bullets as I am. I fall back down to the floor.

The door bursts open. One of the men from downstairs is standing there, his snout squashed flat against the visor of his helmet.

“There’s a war on”, he says, looking directly at me. As though it’s my fault.

If I had breath left in my lungs I would call for Sophie. She would know how to deal with this.

Well, gee-whiz, the internet is being as slow as a wet week right now honestly.

But I’m still excited because I have super-amazing good news.

I will doubtless make a video about this but here’s the news right from a horse’s mouth:

I have access to a studio now. Multi-thousand dollar cameras, greenscreens, audio and lighting equipment. Actors.

We’ll probably be making videos for a different channel on YouTube, and there’ll be other writers and directors also.

But hell yeah, I’m excited about this.

I’m not making this up or kidding, by the way.

Still sick. Third day missing work - they’ve replaced me. Bit of a financial loss there; the downfall of being a casual employee.

Gotta go into Centrelink today (ugh) to fix up some forms and nonsense. I don’t want to (see sickness, p. 13) but failing to do so would mean I don’t know about eight hundo. So.

Despite this Sigur Ros still continues to blow my metaphorical socks off. I say metaphorical as I am barefoot as I write this.

The lyrics I’ve managed to find for Saeglopur (I don’t know why I was even looking) completely fail to even remotely resemble the song, unless Ice/Hopelandic is one of those languages that doesn’t look like it sounds. I know this is true a little bit but, unless a word can have more syllables than letters, come on.

I should have a shower.

I wish I had more energy. To those of you who read this, never rest until I have made “NDA Redux”, because it’s all about context. NDA was made to give NDA Redux something to work off. It’s not meant to stand on its own.

Also expect “Phone Call Bloopers II” some time next year!!!!!!!

So far the amount of people saying hi to me on WoW is 5.

SO RIGHT I GOT BACK FROM SYDNEY

all on the road back housemate’s boyfriend callin’ “hey tom we got three kegs of beer but what we only drank 2 of em so far and this party’s gotta be over by tomorrow” zang off I go to the party and drink beer

and then all into town to the Bended Elbow where I met up with Steph and Kirsten and Daniel and we went in and I was like “dang where’s my phone oh dang it’s only new”

so I go out the front and the bouncer’s like “no pass outs” and I’m like “but I’m looking for my phone” and he’s like “oh cool well that girl there just found one” and I was like “zzzip” over to her and I’m like “my phone! omg you found it thankee” and she’s like “oh I called your mum she is on the line” and I’m like “awesome” and I hang up

when I got inside I was like “oh whoops just hung up on my mum” so I called back and I was like “don’t worry mum I found it” hang up again

then I’m thinking how did I lose my phone in the first place? I just jammed it in my pocket there

so I put my hand in my pocket and am greeted by a great gaping tear at the bottom

in a fit of rage (this is the third time that pocket has torn open and I usually sew it, it looks like frankenpocket) I was like FUCK YOU POCKET and just tore it right out

just

tore my pocket out

so now there’s no pocket at all just a hole

so Bended was pretty cool then we went to Lamby’s and I ran into Yasmin and Jacinta (hot) and Yasmin bought me a shot of cintreuse and I was like steam-comin-out-of-the-ears

bang.

woke up next morning w/ powerful hangover.
oh also did I mention that I have tonsilitis? well I have tonsilitis. had it for ages. blogged about it earlier, that cold? that was tonsilitis.

so my hangover mated with my tonsilitis and had a baby

and that baby is called fuuuck do I have a terrible cold now, my nose is dripping like a tap and ugh

I want to live on an Anticol drip. That would be amazing.

Plus side of this whole story is I have new jeans now. The Hot New Jeans are no more. Maybe I should sell them on eBay for a million dollars.

Oh hey so guess what! I’m going to Sydney for like a week. Gonna meet up with babyporridge and communitychannel and hughsnews and who knows who else.

Also I made a video for my secret channel. If you don’t know what it is already then you don’t love me enough.

Boards of Canada is hot as. I totally got into them when I went to Sydney last time and I’m using them to get back into the groove. Mmm, roygbiv. Such a good song.

And…

Nope, nothin’. My brain is off.

Might blog from Sydney. Or I might not. You choose.

Wait. No.

I choose.

I got a new phone just now and gilly gosh I hate it already. The last one took me at least a few days.

I’m just a phone hater kind of person. The buttons are all small and I keep accidentally connecting to the internet which down here in Aus at least is fucking expensive.

At the moment I’m in a strange situation. I’m updating the firmware on my phone, so it’s gotta download 66 megabytes to do that. Meanwhile it’s got this big “DO NOT DISCONNECT YOUR PHONE OR TERRIBLE” thing happening.

At the same time Steam has actually connected to the Internode server for once so I get superfast speeds and unmetered downloads until the next time I start it up. It’s doing all its updates now so I don’t want to stop it.

So I can’t stop the phone update OR steam and together they are sucking every inch of my bandwidth away.

Hey, Nokia - how about making firmware downloadable individually?

Hey, Valve - how about letting me select which server I connect to?

Sighs.

Caught a damn cold, just like that dude on Metal Gear Solid.
The first one. The best one, before you had to worry about changing clothes every five steps and all that shit. Ugh. What a stupid game MGS III was. Everyone loves it so damn much. I don’t know why.

Same with Resident Evil 4. Why the hell can’t you move and knife at the same time? Or some, knife-and-lunge move. Once I have the knife out I’m rooted to the ground until the zombie is on top of me. I just wanna stab him, damn it! I’m sure the game is all well and good but that is a stumbling block that I literally cannot get over.

Want to know what else annoys me? The misuse of the word ‘literally’. Don’t say ‘literally’ to mean ‘extremely’. Literally means literally. “Oh and I was so embarrassed I literally DIED.”

No. You didn’t die. Literally isn’t some arbitrary sentence strengthener. So stop it.

And “electrocuted”! NOBODY USES THAT PROPERLY. EVEN ON THE NEWS.
Electrocuted is a portmanteau of “electrified” and “executed”. It means, “killed by electricity”.

KILLED. By electricity. IF YOU ARE NOT LITERALLY DEAD, YOU HAVE NOT BEEN ELECTROCUTED. You have merely received an electric shock. Electrocution = death, no arguing.